Whoo (Evolution of Kody)

[Kody]

Well my last year of high school is drawing closer to the end. And to be honest, I'm surprised at myself. But to understand why, I'll have to give you some backstory to my life.



I was never very popular. My middle school years were the worst years of my life because I was an outcasted, antisocial misfit. I was seen as the kid who wasn't very bright and didn't deserve to be noticed. Some people saw me as their esteem builder and would bully me to their heart's content. I used to go home and put on a front of happiness for my family so they wouldn't worry about me, but I was slowly becoming a emotional wreck. And this was mostly during my 6th and 7th grade years. If it wasn't for my optimistic attitude, I know I wouldn't have held out for so long.

During my 8th grade year, I was running out of my own generated happiness. I would always think about how bad people would feel if I committed suicide. I generally couldn't think of many people who would care about it though. There were some days where I would cry for almost 30 minutes simply because I couldn't bottle my emotions anymore. I also remember the day when I held a knife to my throat contemplating on whether or not I should just end my life there. I'm proud of myself for the strength I had in that moment when I said to myself "They aren't worth me ending my own life. I'll be something, while these people just burn out in this small town."

I set out to make my dreams a reality, and in 9th grade I focused on learning a lot about just random things. During this time in my life, depression was present, but wasn't as full-force as it was during 8th grade year. I was mostly left alone by most people instead of bullied, and I was content with it. People still thought I wasn't very smart though, which really got under my skin sometimes. Also toward the end the year, I was starting to get interested in computers and how programs worked.

In 10th grade, we had an html class. I had learned a lot about html code during the summer, so I was actually extremely helpful to everyone in that class. People started to become more open towards me about their own personal lives, and I actually started to feel accepted. I became more open, and started to contribute to classroom discussions. People were actually impressed by how much I knew, and I felt a sort of respect that I had longed for for my entire life. It was during the summer of this year that I joined APH and started hacking for them as well.

In 11th grade, I had a website that bypassed the school content filter indefinitely. People began to call me the tech-guy of the school. I found comfort in the reputation my knowledge was giving me. I was the guy people would come to if they had computer problems. My self-esteem was rising exponentially, and I felt these people were not the same people who had tortured me years before. I also started a bunch of trends at my school that have lasted all the way to the end of this year, and perhaps longer.

This year I started with the same attitude that I had from 11th grade (quiet, but smart), but eventually grew into a more outspoken role. I'm more of a comedic guy now than a computer guy (though I still circle myself with computers). The more I've spoken to people, the more friends I've created. I guess I've turned into a charismatic character. About a week ago though, I began to think about my life after high school, and then it suddenly hit me. This was my last year here, and quite possibly the last time I'll see these people again. The sudden realization of it caused me to almost sob. All these people I've made connections with, would eventually be leaving me alone as they went on with their lives. For the first time in my life I felt like they were going to do their dreams, while mine were still in high school.

And this is why I'm surprised at myself. I've evolved my entire personality to the point where I wouldn't recognize myself if I was in my past. I've shifted my entire thinking structure from being "I just want to get on with my life" to "I don't want to leave this place".

And it's bittersweet.

[Xnite]

Thanks for sharing that personal story Kody. It's very inspirational. Its a great example of, no matter how bad things seem, they can get better. Sayings are one thing, but when you hear about a personal story of someone who has actually done it, it sinks in. You deserve to be proud of yourself for the turnaround. Awesome effort

[spiderkid12]

Must say, some parts of your story are exactly the same problems I had, which is why I'm home schooled.

Knew I was gonna be a socially awkward shut that lives in a closet.


But anyway, good for you. Nice to know you realized suicide doesn't solve anything, because it doesn't really. Not worth throwing your life away.

+1 Internet brofist.